Innerspace Gallery

excerpts from:
The Diary of St. Thomas 1988-1991
the beginning

Journal of Thomas Roger Chamberlain Age 32 born 7-3-55

Jan 6, 1988 Dear concern, I said I would start a journal Jan 1st but it seems that I just been tied up. Well now seems like an appropriate time because I am feeling sad and confused. This morning I got a ticket for leaving my car on the street for street cleaning. I knew that today would be bad and for the most part it has been. Work went ok but there seems to be to much extra work.Oh, I forgot to tell you that the ticket was 15 dollars and I have to pay it within seven days.When I came home from work there was a bill from the Electric company and they also want me to pay $50 dollars within 7 days. And my lover Mark told me that the gas had not been turned on yet. Because of this, me and Mark went to Jasons house to shower. Last for today, Mark has told me that he feels very sick. He has a sore throat and is dizy. I hopes he is better tomorrow. I love Mark and want to be with him but sometimes I think he wants some one else. I don’t know what I would do with out him. Until tomorrow, Tom C.

Mon. Feb 1, 1988 Today I woke up not wanting to get ready for work at Eastman Inc. I got out of bed at 8:10 not really wanting to start the work week. I had to work all the branch routes alone, because my co worker (Eugeneo) did not show up. The work load was pretty heavy and the only relieve I got was when I called Mark at home and he spoke kind and incouraging words to me. That really helped me to finish the day at work. When I came home from work I was greeted by Mark. He fixed dinner tonight (spigetti) but he did not like the way it turned out. I thought it taste rather good, so along with finishing my plate, I finished his also. After dinner me and Mark watched t.v. but Mark retired to bed early because of stomach pains that have been bothering him off and on for about a week. So I watched Brainstorm on t.v. and baked a cake. I hope Mark is feeling better tommorow because I really love him even though it may not be right. It scares me sometimes.

Wed Feb 3 1988 Today I woke up not really wanting to go to work like most days. I had a restless night with nightmares pertaining to wether the relationship I am in is really exeptable in the sight of God. Mark was filling better this morning, it seems like most of the stomach pains are leaving. When I went to work this morning my co-worker came into work after being out sick for two days. Even though he was there to help the work was triple the amount of the last two days. I was so depressed because of so much work. I called Mark on my break for comfort and he told me that the white of his eyes had turned yellow. He also said that Kami our neighbor had his car repossessed. When I got home I looked at Marks eyes but they didn’t seem yellow to me. After dinner we had guests who were interested in putting Mark’s paintings in a resturant where they could be seen and perhaps bought by others. The guest, a lady whose name excapes me now and a friend of Marks named steven really seem to like Mark’s paintings. The lady, who is a photographer wants to trade with mark for one of his paintings for a photo of me and mark together. Mark agreed. They set a date for the last Saturday of feburary for an art showing at the resturant. After the guests left me and Mark could not decide what we wanted to do for the rest of the night. I really wanted to go to bed with him. But Mark said he didn’t feel sexual. I kind of felt rejected. I kind of felt like I wasn’t attractive to Mark anymore. Maby I’m wrong. I love Mark, but I don’t know how to come on to him. I get confused.

Sun Feb 7, 88 This morning I stayed in bed late because this was my last day off from work. I always like to spend at least one of my off days getting up when I want to. When I did get up, Mark was already down stairs finishing the morning paper. He was still yellow all over including the whites of his eyes from the dreaded disease he has ( hepitidus). He was also still feeling sick in his body. After talking to Mark for a while I went to the kitchen to wash dishes and cook breakfast. While I had breakfast which was about 12 noon, Mark took a nap. After breakfast I cleaned up the the house. I took some of Marks paintings to the garage. He got mad at me for scraping the frames against the grounds. I knew he was reacting out of emotions. Later that evening we ordered a pizza. Kami came pass while we were eating and we discussed Marks ailment with him. After he left I went to the store for groceries. The rest of the evening I spent watching tv with Mark my love.

Thurs Feb 11, 88 This morning I got up at 6:30 am ( earlier than usual) to go to the walk in clinic. Before I left, while I was washing up in the bathroom ( about 7:26 am), I felt an earth-quake wich lasted about 30 seconds. Later on the news I heard it was 5 points on the rector scale. This one was not as bad as the one we had back in October which was about 6.5 on the rictor scale. Even though this one was lighter, the walls and floors shook. When I got to the clinic I had to fill out forms before I could see a doctor. When the doctor saw me he askes me a lot of questions about me and Mark. I had to tell him that I was in a gay relationship and my partner had heptitus B. I told him I needed to know if I had it or if I was a carrier. He said if I never had it before, which I hav’nt, then it is not likely that I would be a carrier. After checking me he suggested that I get an AIDS test as soon as possible. After this I went to the lab in the clinic to get some blood drawn from me so they can find out where I stand concerning the hepititusB. The doctor told me to call back Monday to get the results. I went to work after leaving the hospital and got there about a a half hour late (9.30 am). Work got really rough today. Also I did not have time for lunch because the cashier at Carl’s jr took so long in bringing my food that I had to cancel the order and rush back to work which made working worse. When I left work I had a raging head ache. I went out to get something for dinner because I felt to bad to cook. After dinner Mark went to bed because he was feeling bad. I stayed up and watched a movie on t.v. later that night Marks uncle called and asked Mark if he wanted a job in Monrovia working on a movie. Mark told him about his sickness and told him he could not drive that far.

Sun Feb 14 , 1988 This morning I accidently wet the bed. I was dreaming I was using the restroom and while dreaming I wet the bed. ( I think because of all the negative things and the pressure in my life right now! One day I will write about it). Well I got up and took the sheet off the bed and stood the mattress up to air out. I cooked a pancake breakfast for me and Mark this morning. After breakfast I read the Sunday paper and after that I started cleaning the house because Marc and Kim, Marks friends, were stopping by. When they arrived they sit on the porch with Mark and I guess was discussing his condition with them. I stayed inside doing other chores. They brought us a beautiful buque of flowers and a card for Mark for Valintines day. Kim told me she got a job up in San Francisco for two weeks working as a special affects person on a commercial for T.V.. She will be making 800.00 a week. After Marc and Kim left me and Mark watched a movie on t.v. and then I cooked a beef stew. Mark got sick again and threw up. This time in the toilet. I feel very sorry for Mark because I love him and it is not much I can do to ease the pain of his sickness that is constantly with him. I hope and pray he recovers soon and that I am not visited by this terrible disease.

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